The Hooker and the Cabbie by Rainbow

The Great Cuban Hooker Scam and the Cow Town Cabbie
I'm back safe and sound but not without my usual share of crazy adventures. The following story is so nuts as to be almost unbelievable but I swear it is 100% true.

I spent Tuesday night at my usual haunts on Obisbo listening to the music and helping ease the glut of Crystal in the city. I headed up for Central Park, stopping to admire the beautiful new museum. This building is a work of art all by itself and all lit up at night. Crossing the park I blew off the advances of half a dozen cigar pushers and hookers. I had just passed Fortunos and was watching for a cab when a Cuban girl about 30 came up from behind and took my arm. " Ju a big strong man, ju be my Cuban husband?" "No Thanks" I replied, knowing Mrs. Rainbow would never understand this. " I have espousa". "I be good Cuban wife, I like bangie suckie…I cook good…I be good wife….Ju strong man" she replied. "No!!!" I tried more forcefully and went to pull away. She then did something I did not expect and that was to push me back against the store front, grab my belt, pushing up against me, and started kissing me on the neck and face. Because I was off balance she actually had me pinned but I managed to grab my pants pockets as I was sure this was a pick pocket scam. "Damn it, Let go you crazy bitch" I yelled but she kept pushing into me and had a firm grip on my belt. I could not bring myself to knee or head butt the bitch being a woman but I knew this was not good. Like Canada….where was a cop when you need one!

Suddenly out of the darkness appeared a white Lada taxi. " Jump in Buddy…She is going to eat you alive!!!!" the cabbie yelled. I tried to bull away but her grip on my belt was not loosening. I then did something I thought I would never do. I let go of my left pants pocket and with two fingers hooked her tube top and pulled down. As soon as her two wobblers popped free she let go of the belt and grabbed her top which was now around her waist. I pushed past and dove into the open back door of the cab. As soon as my ass hit the seat, the cabbie was off like a rocket leaving her standing in the street yelling something I did not understand. "You are one lucky SOB I was around dude" the cabbie yelled back over the seat. We had got about 3 blocks, with me still staring out the back window, heart racing when I realized something. This cabbie spoke PERFECT English. I don't mean just good, but real Canadian English with a trace of "cow pie" ( Read Calgary) in his voice. My first thought was that I had just jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire!! This did not make sense!!! "Ok Buddy… Just who the F&%k are you" I asked thinking I was now in deeper trouble than before. "Tim #@$%^%$ " he replied. " I'm originally from Edmonton . Where do you want to go?" "Neptuno and Infanta. What the hell are you doing driving a Cuban cab in Havana?" I asked.

To make a long story short, Tim is married to one of these fine little Cuban chicas and is waiting for the paperwork to go through so she can come to Canada. The car belongs to her brother who is not well so Tim took it to help earn some money for the family. He feels that if he earns money like a Cuban instead of just giving the family money, he will earn their respect. His 4 years of Spanish at a Canadian University also helps. We sat outside of my casa particular for about 10 minutes while we talked. I gave him my card so we can get him on the Green Screen when he gets back. I owe him a case of Blue at least. Who would have thought that my Guardian Angel would come from that frozen pile of rock, scrub brush and cow poop we call Alberta and drives a Russian crap car in Havana.

Thanks Amigo!!!!