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How to Catch Shit in a Cuban Woman's Kitchen

By Rainbow

Diana and I decided to have dinner at her place with a friend of mine, Russ and his "new found siamese twin" Mary. Over to the Agricultural Market we went. This is a pretty big market with veggies and fruits on the first floor and meats on the second. After buying the makings of a good fruit salad and a big fruita bomba for me (I love those things), we went up stairs.

I asked one of the butchers for some of these big pork shoulder chops he had so he reaches down and grabs 4 and plops them right into my hands. I guess Diana saw the funny look on my face because she shook here head and said "Hombres!!!" and took a bag out of her back pocket to put the chops in. How the hell was I supose to know that they just HAND you the meat!!!! No plastic wrap or styrofoam trays here.

We went back to the house where I threw Diana out of the kitchen and started to make supper. First challange was finding a sharp knife. You could not commit suicide with the knives she has. I had to look twice just to see which was supose to be the sharp side. My first task was to cut off the thick layer of fat and skin on the chops. This I promply threw in the garbage. That's when all hell broke loose. Diana peeked around the corner to see how I was doing and asked me where the "monteca (sp?) was? I had no idea what she was talking about. She barged into the kitchen, frantically searching and when she found the fat and rind in the garbage, she let go with such a string of Spanish bad words I could not tell when she started to scold me and when she stopped. It was just like one big long 349 letter sentence delivered at light speed. Try as I might, I did not catch a single work I recognised from Spanish class. She was just like a wet hen. She washed of the rinds and when she picked up the knife.... I decided it was time to leave the kitchen...FAST!! Hell I already had sore balls from a Cuban kid. The last thing I needed was to get them cut off too!!!!!!!!! It was then, at a safe distance, that I learned how to make chicharrones de puerco.

All night, before, during and after the meal she would glance over at me and smile but her eyes would say "dumb fucking Gringo". I was going to bring here some sharp knives down next time but I think it would be safer for me sex life if I left well enough alone. It is too bad because I have half a dozen good Shefields here that I have hid from Mrs. Rainbow for exactly the same reason. My problem is finding a woman to give them to who does not want to casterate me with them.

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